Surrendering
by TJR05
Summary: In fifteen years the crush he once had on her had transformed into so many different things that he didn't know what it was anymore.
1. Chapter 1

**Surrendering**

AN: Okay I just had to write this, it was literally jumping up at me. I actually just found out about suits on tuesday and watched season 1 & 2 these last few days and can I say that I instantly fell in love with Jessica and Harvey's chemistry, their complex connection and easy banter just swept me off my feet. So I ventured out looking for some good read and let me say I'm disappointed with the lack of fanfiction for these two, so after debating for an afternoon, I decided my friday night was going to be spent writing. I really hope you guys will enjoy this, please excuse my horrid grammar and spelling and please review and let me know if you'd like me to continue!

Also I would recommend this song "Just a Boy" by Angus and Julia Stone, this is totally Harvey and Jessica's song in my mind. I would recommend listening to anything by them really.

As it goes- I don't own Suits.

**Summary:** In fifteen years the crush he once had on her had transformed into so many different things that he didn't know what it was anymore. Harvey's trepidation about the unspoken 'thing' between Jessica and him finally motivates him to cross the line they've avoid for so long.

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"_No lonely hands grab my suitcase full of nothing  
I don't know why, I don't know why  
You took me in gave me something to believe in  
That big old smile is all you wore  
Girl you make me want to feel  
Things I never felt before  
Girl you make me want to feel  
Did I say I'm just a boy"_

_-Just a Boy by Angus and Julia Stone_

**Chapter 1**

There was a time in his life when if someone had told him he'd be where he was now he wouldn't believe it. It wasn't about his abilities, no it was never about whether he could do it or not, more like if there was someone out there who'd give him the chance, open a door, meet him half way. He looked over to the woman sitting across from him, her serene smile as she swayed just so to the music that played. She led him out of the life he was trapped in, she opened not just a door, but doors. She led him to victories, because without her there would be nothing to win. He wasn't stupid nor was he ungrateful, he knew that while he was capable, and it was him winning, and it was his hard work that got him where he was today, it was also her hand that led him there.

Maybe that's why he helped Mike, because the kid reminded him of his younger days as a scrapper. Maybe it was his way of paying it forward. He had to admit that Jessica finding out was burden of his shoulders, as Lewis mentioned there wasn't much they kept from one another, well there was the her being married and never mentioning it. While they discussed their professional life without any boundaries, long ago Jessica had established a silent rule about their personal life. They shared just the necessary amount, sometimes more, sometimes less. He couldn't deny that when he found out about her marriage he was hurt, because it suddenly came to the fore front of his mind that she was someone important to him. No she was one of the very few people that was important enough for him to think about. The fact that she kept something like that made him wonder what else he didn't know about her. It wasn't about distrust, no it was simply that he thought he was entitled to all knowledge about Jessica Pearson.

He also realized just how egocentric it sounded even in his head, but she was the one person he didn't want to be surprised by. He looked at her again from the corner of his eyes and saw her lift her drink to her lips. They had decided to continue the victory celebration after the champagne in the office, Mike and Donna had cut out citing they had things they needed to do. But he knew they each had their own thoughts to process, their own lives they needed to bring back on track. And if truth be told as much as he adored Donna, he preferred to have these victory drinks with just Jessica. They had decided to go to the Bemelmans bar at the Carlyle, one of many of their regular places to go. He loved the Bemelmans because some of the best of the best in jazz and blues played there, the regular jazz trio was playing tonight. It somehow seemed like fitting music as they sat drinking their thirty-eight dollar scotch.

"I'm never disappointed when I come here," she said finally turning to him breaking his musing.

He smiled at her the charm bouncing off him like electric charge, "are you sure it's not the company?"

She arched a prefect brow and give him that sly smile but said nothing, he could see something weighing on her but decided that she would eventually voice it to him. His eyes wandered over her again. She was a few years older yet to him she was the same woman who he saw walking into a room full of men instantly commending and gaining respect without words. All legs, lean and toned with lovely coloring, and lips that beg to be kissed. When he first saw her all those years ago it was natural to think she was hot, it was natural to fantasize about her, because what red-blooded male wouldn't find her alluring? He found himself smile, biting his lower lip at his first thoughts way back then of what he'd like to do to Jessica, he was drunk.

"Something amusing you?" she asked turning to catch his eyes. She was well aware of him watching her. She was also very used to Harvey's eyes keeping watch of her, it was something she took comfort in and feared. She couldn't help but think about Daniel's words from earlier in the evening, it was human nature to have doubts, but with Harvey she never had doubts. Even when he did things to disappoint her, he did more to make up for it. She wondered if she had rose colored glasses on when it came to him, if she was honest she already knew the answer. She watched his eyes twinkle when he felt like playing, and she found herself raising to the occasion.

"I was just thinking about when I met you all those years ago." He stated then took a sip of his drink, eyes still on her, watching for her reaction.

Her lips parted for words but nothing came out, but then widen to a smile, "and what do you recall about that meeting?"

He laughed, the alcohol already coursing through his blood, "I don't know if I wanna get my ass kicked just yet."

She took a sip of her own drink and chuckled, already having an idea as to what it was that he was thinking about, and found herself like the idea of flustered Harvey. "Well I can tell you what I remember about you." She knew where this was venturing to. They were both smart people, she was well aware of what people thought their relationship to be, and yet they never ventured down that road. Sometimes she wanted to throw caution to the wind and just do what everyone already assumed they were doing. She'd be lying if she didn't know that Harvey Specter was charming, handsome, smart, and most of all loyal.

He leaned forward, "and what is it that you remember?" His eyes openly admiring her long graceful neck that lead to well toned shoulders, and before he got any further his eyes were back on hers again, one of the many things he had for Jessica was respect.

"A lost boy who didn't know what he was doing, a similar look to the one I had when I started under Daniel." She said the last bit with a bit of a sigh giving up on the _almost_ harmless flirting, she was grateful for the opportunities he had given her. But the man she found him to be wasn't someone she could respect, not when he was playing with her legacy. "Do you think we did the right thing?"

He knew right away where her mind had wondered to, and that finally they reached the weight on her shoulders, "yes, I do."

"Then why does it feel more like a stand still than a victory?" she asked looking down at her glass.

He sighed and leaned back into his chair, "we did what had to be done, no matter who we represent, we should at least have some moral code, and that man had none. He buried evidence, then tried to frame me just so he could get control over the company and you."

At that her head shot up, "and me?"

Harvey knew her to be strong, knew her to be in charge, and while most thought that she had no control over him, she was probably the only other person in the world who had control of him, other than himself of course. He breathed Jessica Pearson in so many sense of the word it was a wonder he came off as the alpha he did. He suspected that she was well aware of this information. "What you did five years ago was a challenge, it wasn't only about revenge, it was about breaking you, it was personal. Making you his subordinate would not only humiliate you but also give him control over some of you."

She hadn't thought of it that way, she knew that he had wanted to humiliate her, and he had almost succeeded in that department. She sighed, this time not wanting to over think it just yet, though she knew when she had a moment she needed to prepare for whatever might happen in the future. "Well for now it's over, but we have to be careful about Mike."

Mike, of course, she still hadn't fully forgiven him. While he knew she understood Mike's value, he also knew they had people watching them closely and if it didn't sound too paranoid coming for them. And now to add to that list of people who would love to see them fall was Lewis. "I know."

"You see yourself in him don't you?" she asked suddenly as she raised her glass to her lips to finish off the last of the amber liquid.

He motioned to the waiter for another round for them both, "I see a smart kid who needs some guidance, and he's amusing."

"I knew that was part of the reason!" she exclaimed with a laugh, "how well do I know you?!"

He laughed, "too well sometimes."

She smiled at him, it was fifteen years ago that she found him, and everyday since he's charmed her, confused her, hurt her, disappoint her, and made her proud. While she couldn't say their relationship was Oedipal, she felt some of his trust or lack there of in woman was placed on reserve in her. If she didn't know better and wanted to mush like a girl she'd think they've been married for the past ten years. "Well I think that road goes both ways sometimes."

"Yet you didn't even tell me you got married." he said almost too bitterly, the initial shock of it still lingering in his mind. "I thought I was a _friend_."

She knew he'd bring it up, his wedding gift was just the icing on the amount of grudge he was still holding about it. She had to wonder if it was all about her not sharing it with him as a friend, but once again her mind had that door and the door said do not enter in bright red. "You are, but that was something separate from this."

"Oh so you compartmentalized your life, so in some compartments I'm not someone you trust?" he asked taking a sip of the new drink in front of him, absently thanking the waiter who placed it there.

She watched him now, she pressed her lips together, "it's not about trust...it doesn't matter as I said I was married but now I'm not."

"How long are we going to do this?" he asked softly now looking at the band.

"Do what?"

"Avoid whatever is or isn't there?" he asked motioning between them.

She sighed, "there isn't anything to avoid, we work together, we respect each other, and we're friend."

"Friends tell each other things like they're getting married." he said again like a petulant child.

"I couldn't okay!" she finally said her eyes on his so intense that she felt her ears buzzing as everything around them slowed down. "I didn't know how to, I knew how you felt about me and I couldn't risk you doing something rash."

He sat dumbfounded, for the first time in his life he felt like he had no words for what she just revealed to him, it was a moment later when his brain kick started again did he say, "so it was from pity and to make sure you didn't lose your investment that you didn't tell me you were doing something so life altering."

She snorted then, "it hardly altered my life. I didn't have time for that marriage just like I don't have time for a man more than a night a month."

He rubbed his chin and laughed, "your avoiding, but I guess you're right that was a long time ago."

"Harvey..."

He loved and hated the way she sometimes said his name, this moment was split between the two. Yes fifteen years ago he had a crush, but in the fifteen years he's known her, gotten to really see her for who she is, he knew that crush had transformed so many times over that he didn't know what to call it, but she'd never give it chance to be anything more, and he'd never risk asking for it. "Was I alone in how I felt about you?" He couldn't help asking.

She gave him that half lid eyes, lips parted smile, he wondered if even now she thought him to be a puppy with a crush, if it was pity written across her face, but after a moment she simply said, "no" and suddenly that risk that he was always afraid taking didn't seem so scary.

He'd been with Donna a long time ago, and came out with a lifetime friend who would do anything for him, they were lucky to have been able to move past it. But Jessica was something completely different and it wasn't her he was worried about being overly attached. "Jessica."

She finished her drink and stood, "I think that's enough celebrations for one night." She ushered the waiter over and handed her card to him, "this one is on me."

He stood with her, grabbing his jacket and watched her pull her Hermes purse closer to her almost protectively. When the waiter returned she signed the receipt and bagged her card almost carelessly into her purse. She smiled as she turned to exit the bar, walking out into the hotel lobby. He said nothing as he followed her wordlessly. When she stopped by the curb hailing a cab, she finally acknowledged him again.

"Harvey."

He didn't say anything as he simply took a step towards her, invading her personal space as his thumb brushed her cheek in a feather touch, "Harvey." She said in a whispered warning, but he was already at the line and he decided that he'd rather cross tonight than wonder about it for another ten years. So with that he cupped her neck and kissed her. Tasting the scotch, tasting the salt from the olives that she liked so much, tasting her, smelling and feeling her hurried breath, and finally feeling her surrendering to him for once and kissing him back her hands on his elbows. Raising to the challenge he presented with his tongue as she dueled him back for the control she relished in.

TBC

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Please Review!


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews I didn't expect so many. I'm so sorry that it took me ages to update but I had apartment searches and moving to deal with these past months. I want to once again apologize for the grammar and spelling, some mentioned wanting to beta for me, please message me and save me from myself!

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"_I'm in need of the answer, searching for questions, love would mean broken-hearted  
__Days race by faster, it's a made up lesson and I've lost before I started  
__A little white lie, a big black sky, your emptiness open on the dashboard  
__You feel a lack of self and it's someone else telling you to try where you failed before"_

_-Time Go by Caught A Ghost_

**Chapter 2**

There are moments in life where something so small and insignificant as meeting someone changes you so drastically that when you think back to it again it suddenly isn't so insignificant or small rather a turning point in life. That was what meeting Jessica was like, when he first laid eyes on her all those years ago she was just another lawyer too smug to look at anyone like him in her expensive shoes and tailored fit designer dresses. But she did more than look at him, she saw him. Flashing to the present he released her lips and placed his head against hers. He smiled and she smiled back. His hands still on her cheeks.

"I'm sorry." He wasn't but he felt like he needed to offer her something.

"You should be," she said but did nothing to step away from him. "But I know you're not."

There they stood on the sidewalk huddled together. Then she raised her hand slowly to his lips and rubbed against them where he was sure her lipstick was now smeared, she was gentle, careful as you would be with a child. He watched her eyes which now focused on his lips, her eyes which softened and had a storm of conflict behind them. He knew she was closing up again, and suddenly that was unacceptable.

"Jessica."

"I should head home, Harvey." She said as she stepped away from him, her hands once again folded in front of her in protection. She smiled gently at him but nothing came out of her.

He licked his lips, tasted her faintly there and laughed, "so that's it?"

She raised her arm to hail a cab, while shrugging, "that's it." When the cab pulled up in front of them, she stepped of the curb and opened the door looking at him once more as if she wanted to say something but nothing came out, so she opted for, "see you at the office tomorrow." With that she got in and escaped. Yes escaped because that's exactly what she did, she knew it and he knew it. He stood there for a while rubbing his chin then running his fingers through his hair, he had crossed a line and while moments ago he was sure that it was time to move forward, he didn't weigh out how this was going to work out, he didn't think she'd run. Because Jessica Pearson didn't run.

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Morning came too soon for Harvey for the first tim ever. Usually he liked waking up to go do what he was great at, but this morning all he wanted to do was lay in bed. This morning the hang overs that hardly ever touched him weighed down on him as he replayed every second of last night. He didn't want to be such a _girl_ about it, but something in the back of his mind just nagged at him that he possibly ruined everything with Jessica. "Fuck..." he muttered as he rolled out of bed finally deciding that Harvey Specter wasn't a pussy.

If it took an extra few minutes to get through his morning routine then no one was around to take note of it. When he finally made it into the office he found himself looking over people's heads to spot the tall beauty that was Jessica Pearson. He supposed at times likes these it was a good call on the glass walls and doors, since he could see that she wasn't in her office.

"Morning Harvey," Donna said her eyes glued to the screen, yet right away she knew what he was doing. "Looking for Jessica?"

"Huh?" He asked looked down at her, "Uh, no, any messages?"

Donna now looked at him and raised a brow, she had been with him for years and of course knew when something was up. "Yeah, you always have messages."

Harvey nodded, "right, of course. Umm, I'll be in my office." With that he briskly walked into his office and closed the door behind him. He inhaled and exhaled once, letting the air out of his lungs as if that alone would relieve his mind that was wondering all over the place. He fucked up.

He wasn't least bit surprised when Donna came in and gave him the _look_, without asking she was asking. He sighed once more, less dramatically this time and looked at her. "So what do you have for me?"

"What do you have for me?" she asked instead.

He feigned ignorance hoping for once it would work, "don't know what you mean. Was I supposed to give you something?"

Donna's facial expressions was one of the many reasons he loved her, even now the one she was giving him that perfectly read, 'are you retarded or something' would've been hilarious were it not for the fact that he wasn't in the mood, and he couldn't discuss with her. Not anyone cause for the better part of his mind was already onto Jessica's trail of thought, which was nothing happened. "Seriously Donna, I have no idea what you're waiting for, if there is something that I need to look at give it to me."

Suddenly her Donna bulb went on and she smiled, "I get it, you're frustrated. When was the last time you-you know..."

His mouth actually fell open a little as his eyes tried to scrutinize her, but she was right. It had been a while. "I'm not frustrated!"

"Right." She said in that oh so dry voice. "okay since you don't want to share and be in denial we'll just jump into business. Mrs. Avery called for you she needs to make some adjustments to her portfolio, and Jessica has a pro bono that she'd like you to take on-and she said you can't pass it on to Mike." She said placing the file on his desk, waiting expectantly for something.

He said nothing as he stared at the file, then at Donna. "Thanks."

She eyed him curiously, "really? That's it?"

"Yeah, was there more?" he asked.

She gave him the eye, "no" with that she was out of the door but not before she gave him the eye two more times.

He turned his eyes back on the file. It's almost as if she was adding insult to injury. But then he wondered if somehow she felt that he owed her this. He picked up the file to skim through it when Mike burst through the door and sighed loudly.

"Women!"

Harvey eyed him, "can I help you with something?"

Mike turned to him and took a seat on one of the chairs, "yes, tell me why I'm such a fuck up?!"

"What did you do this time?" asked Harvey, while he really didn't need this he also cared for Mike and there was the whole his ass was on the line if the kid screwed up that made him give the younger man his attention.

"Rachel."

Harvey threw down the file and stood up, "what this time?"

Mike scrubbed his face, "I slept with an ex, and Rachel came over while she was there in a very compromising state of dress, oh did I mention that this ex is married?"

"Seriously?"

Mike pressed his lips together and nodded, "yeah seriously, I fucked up."

'_Join the club_' is what Harvey wanted to say, but instead he opted for "I thought you dealt with your Rachel issues."

Mike winced, "yeah...I may have kissed her yesterday..." Harvey gave him a the 'you didn't look' and Mike shrunk back into his seat. But then he bounced back and said "but I never said that my feelings just disappeared. I know I can't be with her now, but-fuck! She's great, I think about her all the time, she's funny, weird, smart, and so sexy! She's the kind of girl you don't give up on!"

Harvey suddenly knew the feeling. He also recalled having that talk with Mike about having time to find the right woman, and how his protégé pointed out that he had no one significant in his life, in so many words Mike pointed out that he had no great cliché love in his life, that his life was empty in so many sense of the word. Expect there was one person who has always had a place in his life and that was Jessica. She was there before Donna and Mike. While he cared for both of those people, there was something so complicated and intricate about his relationship and feelings for Jessica. Maybe that's why things didn't work out with Zoe, or any of the other women in his life, because they didn't quite fit into the silhouette of the one woman he's always wanted but never could have.

"What if she is the _one_?"

"What?" Harvey asked suddenly.

Mike eyed his mentor then repeated, "I said what if Rachel is the _one_, and I screwed it all up."

Harvey tucked his hands in to his pocket, "stop being such a girl, if she's the one then you better man up and fix it. Now here find out all you can about this case then get back to me." He said handing the pro bono file to him.

Mike sighed again and nodded heading towards the door. "You're right, he's in a mood today." Harvey heard Mike say to Donna just as the door closed. Last night was the first time in a long time his heart raced for something other than a win in a case, it was the first time he felt like he was alive from the miniscule act of kissing, yet it wasn't miniscule at all. Suddenly it made him wonder if that one kiss meant more than any other.

Tucking his hands into his pockets he faced the city, he didn't give up on things he wanted, and what he's always wanted other than to reach his full potential was Jessica and he was going to convince her to open that door that she opened to him last night. But this time not just for a few minutes.

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He walked into the office and for the first time was mindful to close the door behind him. She looked up at him and gave him a small smile. "Harvey" she said.

And he froze because just in the way she said his name he knew that they weren't going to discuss what happened the night before, that it was over before it even had a chance to start and she was going to ignore it as a night of drunken foolery. "Jessica." He on the other hand wasn't ready to let it go, especially not when it had been eating at him for the past twelve hours, especially because he's never wanted something more out in the open than this.

She knew him as well, she knew his tone. She had been hoping all morning that he wasn't going to come barging in demanding answers, she hoped that he'd know better than to delve in it. But then she knew Harvey 'the bull dozer' Specter that wouldn't let go and try to pull truth from places that most didn't know truth was hiding. "Before you say anything, I'm going to say this once and once only so listen carefully. What happened last night was something that shouldn't have happened. We were both a little drunk and things got carried away. So we're both adults that can deal with such matters, we're not ever going to speak of it again."

She watched his jaw tighten, she knew he hated it when she spoke to him like he was a child, but in this matter she had to. She had to stop him. She wasn't someone who usually put a lid on things unless she knew that what would come out of that jar would be hard to control to the point of an epidemic. She couldn't risk losing anything at the moment, and while she hated to admit this Harvey was her top competition in the sense of dominance. Daniel may have planted the seed, but her mind was watering and nurturing the idea of what it would be like to lose control of-to Harvey.

"What if I don't want to just forget about it." He asked finally watching her carefully for even a miniscule reaction.

"That's your problem, because as far as I'm concerned this topic no longer exists. If you don't have anything else to discuss I suggest you get back to work." She said hardening to the point of being intimidating, the problem with it-worked with everyone but Harvey.

"Coward."

She expected that and she looked up from her desk, she saw the smile that was on his lips. She unknowingly-no very much knowingly issued a challenge and he was going to take it and tear it apart. While she knew better than anyone that Harvey would go the route of saying she was scared, that it was fear that was keeping her from talking about it, but for the first time it _was_ fear that made her want to press her lips shut and wish that he'd leave it alone. Then there was the side of her that couldn't stand being called weak or scared and that part was already drawing up battle plans and scheming her attack.

He approached her desk in a predatory manner, once he reached it he placed both of hands on the cool glass. She stood her ground as he knew she would, but it was that subtle tremble of her lips gave him a bit of confidence-a silver of hope. He smiled "I thought that Jessica Pearson didn't run from anything."

"I don't, and I'm not." She said even though in all honesty she wanted to run cause the thump of her heart beat was too loud.

"Then give me a chance, dinner tonight." He said looking her in the eyes, "come on Jessica, what's the worst that can happen?"

TBC

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Please Review!


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